| problem solving |
[11 Dec 2008|06:39pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
herione - silverstein |
] |
Ten problems I can see myself solving:
001. Who I was in a past life.
002. Figuring out how to make a relationship with my biological father work.
003. Finding the peace, calm, & serenity within myself.
004. Stop smoking cigarettes so my singing voice isn't broken as much.
005. Finding a way to get a car.
006. My impulsitivities.
007. Being able to let go.
008. Solving the equation of happiness.
009. Solving the mystery of putting two shades of eyeshadow on & blending them in together to look flawless.
010. My financial situation.
|
|
| 10 |
[11 Dec 2008|06:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
southern girl - incubus |
] |
my ten crimes:
001. Cheating on Erica Nachtigall & leading her on.
002. Taking a lover from someone who needed that person way more than I did.
003. Not speaking up when being sexually molested by a babysitter when I was younger.
004. Lying about the rape. Going to the hospital and having the rape kit done.
005. Attemping suicide three times.
006. Being a compulsive liar in middle school.
007. Choosing to be overwhelemed by financial aid instead of actually attending the Maine College of Art. If you believe you can't do something enough, sure enough, you won't be able to.
008. The fact that I havent picked up my camera since High School.
009. Accepting money for sex.
010. Not making an extra copy of the poem I wrote for my father before he left for Iraq. He kept it in his flap jacket and read it constantly. It was lost in a raid.
|
|
| flaws |
[11 Dec 2008|01:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nine in the after noon - panic at the disco |
] |
ten flaws i believe people think about me:
001. I have Black & White thinking. (Dr. Laurie Mahar)
002. I am Clingy. (Noah)
003. I am Dependent. (Sadie)
004. I am Emotionally Disturbed. (Guidance Counselor, Mr. Bradley in HS)
005. I get upset at "little things," like a change of plans or being late. (Mom)
006. I am inflexible. (Mom)
007. In high school everyone and I mean everyone thought I was crazy after I got institutionalized at Spring Harbor and missed a week of school. My HS Reunion is going to be great. (This is a collective flaw. The rumors were uncontrollable.)
008. I am impulsive. (Nick)
009. My sexual identity has always been a mystery to those around me, including myself sometimes. But I identify as bisexual. (Okay, I think this. You got me.)
010. I have a sentimental heart. I have a hard time letting go of lovers. I tend to want to be friends with them after time has healed the wounds. (Nick)
So there.
Courtney xoxo
|
|
| the day from hell, bangor maine style. |
[10 Dec 2008|03:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sentimental heart - zooey deschanel |
] |
I had one of the worse days ever today.
I had to go to the air force base to get my ID card renewed so that my insurance doesn't get all funked up like it "supposedly" does when you don't renew the card. Fine and Dandy. Nick dropped me off at the gate on his way to work. I had no problem getting in because I had my old ID card and liscence.
So I go get my new ID (which is shiny and pretty btw. :D)
Afterward I discovered that the air force had a commisary so I did some light shopping. It felt so good to be back on a military base. It took me by suprise really. I was so giddy.
But then the day went to shit.
But because Nick was at work, I had to take the bus home. No problem. The bus stop was not but a few minutes of walking away. So I waited outside in the rain for thirty minutes and no bus came. I knew that one came to the grocery store a few more minutes of walking away. So I decide to go that route. Before I know it, I slipped down the hill I was walking to get to the grocery store bus stop. My entire back side, hands, and ass were covered in mud.
I had to go inside and wash myself off in the bathroom. Ew.
So then after that I'm waiting for the bus and realize that the only two cigarettes I have a broken. At this point, I was ready to just punch something. I was freezing cold, covered in mud, waiting for a stupid fucking bus.
The bus came and it turned out I had to take ANOTHER bus to get to my house.
I just got home. That is all. :(
Courtney xoxo
|
|
| new hair cut |
[05 Dec 2008|08:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence |
] |
the idea above is self explanatory.
haircut time.
BUT THE SURPRISE IS?
I cut it myself. :D
( new picturessss ♥ )
but alright, it's off to Coffee & bagel Company!! Mmm. Coffee and bagels. :D ♥
|
|
| lost in the mirror |
[26 Nov 2008|09:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
futurama on television |
] |
I stumbled upon the concept of Rebirthing Breathwork. I know it sounds so weird, but I really think that this is going to work for me. Or atleast, my thought processes. BECAUSE NOT EVERYTHING IS BLACK & WHITE!
There. I said it. Despite all my logical thought telling me otherwise.
There needs to be unity. There needs to be connection. I have been characterized by "feeling too much," basically having the emotional volume on my life stuck on REALLY REALLY LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS LIKE THIS. But once I am able to just feel. Let it all come through at once, I will be able to not feel as if my emotions are running my life. To be at peace with myself. To be calm.
Have you ever thought of me as at peace? I highly doubt it.
Because more than anything, it's what I have been looking for-- for quite sometime. Also, I know that this is totally out of character to tell people what they should do... BUT SERIOUSLY. The End of Times is coming. 2012. Get your shit together.
And I don't mean get your shit together in the religious sense. Because I'm going to be pissed if my life turns into, "THE LEFT BEHIND SERIES." I mean live your life. Accept love. Reject fear. Try something new. Bring unity until your life.
We have been trained to think that everything is polar opposite. But they really are co-existing there for a reason. Because there really is gray in the middle. Because even though it may be the worst emotional pain you've ever felt... IT HAPPENS FOR A REASON. You are connected to those around you, especially when you pull away the most. The butterfly affect multiplied by a thousand.
And even more than that, is the ability to do what I am doing now.
To change your school of thought to save your life. Even if the skeptic within you is screaming and raging. I can do this. I can stop the self abusiveness and take the high road.
Which is exactly where I like to think I am going.
First stop? Library tomorrow to pick up, Please Understand Me II. It is supposed to help me understand opponent processes.
Well then.
Courtney xoxo
OH BTW I GOT "I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!) BY STEPHEN COLBERT" AT THE LIBRARY.
you can lulz now. because his book is just as funny as his show. ♥
|
|
|
[25 Nov 2008|06:35pm] |
i am so depressed right now.
i can't make out going calls.
there's no one in the apartment.
i have no where to go to.
no one to talk to.
and i just feel really, really alone.
|
|
| underwear |
[22 Nov 2008|01:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
beck - I'm a Loser Baby |
] |
It's been forever since I've posted an entry here. It feels like so much has changed in so little of time. I walked out of McDonalds. I know that was a stupid move, but I knew deep down that I deserved more than $7.95 an hour for the bullshit I had to put up with.
So now I'm trying to get a job from my landlord, a pizza shop in East Corinth. Like thirty or so minutes away. I've only been there twice, but I always like the drives. The treelines are beautiful all the way there. It reminds me so much of loving living in Dexter.
I'm also filing for SSI (Social Security Supplemental Income) due to my Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my Major Depressive Disorder. I don't know if it will go through though. I haven't been working for 15 years, considering I'm only nineteen. But Nick's sister's room-mate/friend got it due to her "mental illness." Shes around my age, so who knows. It will definitely help me out. The only reason I qualify for it is because of my low income and emotional issues. My mom flipped when I asked if she would testify to Social Security a broader range of my mental problems throughout the years. She is my mother; and more than anyone else has been the one to bring me to every counseling, psychiatric, and institution when needed. She was there. She made sure that I didn't do something that I would permanently regret. I guess deep down I'm frustrated that she got angry at me suggesting plain out about my "problems." Or atleast, that's why I think she got upset. But regardless after me telling her that she wasn't obligated to plead for me-- she said she would. It was an awkward goodbye.
I filled out the "paperwork" online today. It was so fucking long. But atleast it's over with. I had a lot of references, counselors, psych stays, etc. So that's in my favor.
I know that my personality disorder conflicts with almost every job I've had. It's only a matter of time before I'm off to the next one. I'm tired of doing that. I want to go to school. I think I'd be able to work and save that money towards college, while getting the SSI. That's one of the things I read online. I thought that was so cool. So. I try to just think of this as a minority scholarship for the emotionally challenged? Haha.
I gave blood two days ago. It was so awesome. The only part that sucked was being on the phone with Social Security setting up my appointment time and date while the nurse was sticking the needle in my arm. It was quite the scene. If I would have saw myself, I probably would have laughed.
I called the "warm line" the other day just to test it out. I like it. And that's a good thing. The lady said she would call me sometime this week to "check up" on me. I liked that idea too. Having someone checking if you're okay. It helps.
OH! My laptop first crashed and I was able to repair it. Then within minutes of having fixed windows and restore everything... it slipped to the carpet. Crack. There went the LCD screen. So that required calling my cousin and asking her to mail it to me. That was an ordeal in itself. It was $77 dollars. Can you believe that? I have to pay her back of course. But I am so happy to have my pretty little compaq back. It has all, and I mean this, all of my music on it. Pre-laptop having to download all over again.
I'm catching up on true blood. :D I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHOW. But I have a feeling that Bill isn't going to be around for long since Sookie just kicked him out of her house. The episode ended on that note. So I am looking forward to watching episode twelve tomorrow. I believe that there is only one more episode left for this season. Saturday is the last day! AHHH! I'm going to have to find my vampire fix somewhere else.
Speaking of vampires, I wasn't able to go to the midnight release of Twilight. I know that I trashed the last novel, but goddamnit, the movie just sparkle motioned me so much that I HAVE TO GO SEE IT. So Nick says we'll go on Sunday. I'm just disgruntled because I am not used to waiting for fandom paraphernalia! I AM THE ONE WAITING FOR 12:01 A.M.!
But enough of that. I have to calm down and sleep for now.
I'm going to start writing more in here. I was going to say daily, but then I knew I would be lying. And I don't like to lie to my lovely journal. ;pet pat; <3
xoxo courtney
|
|
| Afghani Black |
[24 Aug 2008|08:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
house of blow |
] |
I’ve watched them
Breath baited
Paid homage to jailers abroad
You’ve bound me by tantrum
The passive dismiss for the infidel scourge
Oh, and I'll do it so well
When it's the children on fire that sells
Narcotic catharsis
A plot to conspire
A plague to endure.
…And my conscience still screams bloody murder to me
and I hope it never tells me what I want to hear
And when your head hits the floor
Your body knows it's for sure
Changing up the state of dramatic.
I took you in and washed your hands
Bowed and flinched at your demands
We walked through sand but
Only my prints were at hand
Plus
I guess your fight was in a china shoppe.
Now the gut runs red while the chatter don’t stop.
And you know being a cop
Leaves a heart of charity
Belly up in slop
The loveless
So fickle
A boredom to ripe to ignore
Relentless lip service
Remedial fascist
A fate to endure
Oh, I mistook you for kin
Condemned for your passion within
Narcotic catharsis
A plot to conspire
A face to abhor.
|
|
| party, party |
[24 Aug 2008|12:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
BLEACH |
] |
Advice to self from the ending theme of my favorite anime, Shin Chan:
"Woke up late this morning
A storm was really rollin’
Frogs and dogs were raining from the sky
Everything seems awkward to me
Nothing’s just as it should be
If this keeps on I’m sure I won’t get by
But then I close my eyes and try to smile
I know things are bad and getting worse
But after all this I can rest awhile
And then I’ll party party
Party Party Join us Join us
Party Party Join us Join us
Party Party Join us Join us
Shake your day away and you can
Party Party Join us Join us
Party Party Join us Join us
Party Party Join us Join us
Shake your blues away
Yo Reggae vacation Mon
This party’s shakin’
and it ain’t just shakin’ me here
I see that smile
You’re grinnin’ ear to ear
Sing this song
And you should really sing it clear
Just sing along with us
Party Party Join us Join us
Party Party Join us Join us
Party Party Join us Join us
Shake your day away and you can
PARTY PARTY
PARTY PARTY
PARTY PARTY!"
|
|
|
[20 Aug 2008|10:44pm] |
|
I am ready to give up.
|
|
| FANGURLZZZ |
[13 Aug 2008|05:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tv background |
] |
this twilight shit is making me crack the hell up.
i'm all over the amazon boards lately.
that and of course, part of the official
RAINBOW FART COALITION!
because apparently, stephenie meyer farts rainbows.
breaking dawn was an epic fail.
/sob
|
|
| july 3rd, 1989 |
[09 Jul 2008|05:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the return of jafar |
] |
it's an awkward feeling to know that i had to put all the money i got for my birthday i put towards rent. & that includes my $300 stimulus package.
so much for the economy.
haha.
|
|
| oh really now? |
[28 Feb 2008|08:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence |
] |
i'm a librarian now. ♥
yay for jobs you can love.
|
|
| finally |
[23 Jan 2008|09:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
supernanny on tv |
] |
it is not fair for you to enter again, after i'm happy. i'm not going to allow this to happen. you won't ruin my life and manipulate my emotions.
i know better this time.
and i can't wait for you to realize it won't work.
♥
|
|
| & a happy new year |
[25 Dec 2007|01:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nick playing world of warcraft |
] |
i'm back in dexter, maine.
nick & i had an adventure flying on three different airplanes to get home on christmas eve.
it was fun to say in the least.
falling asleep on his shoulder while he cuddled me was just... mmm. undescribable.
my mom is not happy that i left.
but of course, i know i'm going to prove her wrong this time.
i miss the boys already. :[
i keep hearing babies cry in my sleep and i get this pang in my chest.
but our room here is cozy-- & i'm back in my favorite town ever.
what a merry christmas. ♥
it doesn't get better than this.
but i know that with nick at my side, it will. :D
|
|
| are you on uppers mah? |
[01 Dec 2007|12:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
high |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the matches |
] |
today is the first day of december. from my window, the bright light pouring through, you wouldn't think that it was winter already. the leaves down here are still falling. suddenly there's this change bigger than you. bigger than humanity. bigger than everything. just this simple thing called nature that will always be above us in the class status category.
one step ahead.
so maybe nature is god? the proof is right infront of you. natural disasters killing millions. the rainbow in the rainstorm. it's all this elaborate yet delicately placed undiscovered theory that i think i just stumbled on. i mean. yes, i am high. yes, i am still crashing from mdma. and yes, i think getting high only made the mdma spike up a little again.
but still. these philosophical thoughts are not things to be forgotten in the midst of the pleasure of drugs. so a smart individual, like myself, would write it down. (which, if you haven't noticed yet, i am doing.)
i started my birth control today. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for any side effects (aka my stomache feeling as if it's going to rot and die like last time.) to the new kind i'm taking. so! yay for pro safe sex! planned parenthood mothers everywhere are praising the lord for one more addition to the heard.
hallelujah. haha.
(i know, i tend to be a clever smart ass when impaired. but even better, is now i'm just a funny & clever smart ass since last night. fabulous.)
the matches song that nickolas sent me is on repeat. very good, good song. i still haven't wore it out yet--- and i was up all night with it & porn videos.
i think dad's going to cough up the cash that i asked him for "christmas" and "emotional damages." he turned around and just said that i could be honest with him-- it was "for the trip back to maine."
what he didn't get was that i was seriously right the first time.
i stand uncorrected.
he's spewing some typical bullshit that he won't be able to get it until the 15th. (for all those not familiar with the military pay system: every paycheck is deposited on the 1st and 15th of every month. ;] ) he said he made a "truck payment" which better be true. considering his harley got flattened like a run over dog-- it's his only vehicle now.
have i ever mentioned how much of an idiot i have for a father?
i just thank my stars for letting me remember that him & i don't actually share the same blood.
nick and me have been doing very well, actually. it's really refreshing-- him and i. things are just so different. and i know that's so vague and uber mysterious of me. haha. but i don't really know how else to explain it. it's a good different. a needed different. it works. we work now. i look forward to things with him. our relationship is something to be celebrated again. it's quite amazing how things have come so far in such a short amount of time. i know that him & i always agonize about how it's been forever already and we need to see each other now!-- but we seemingly tend to forget how quickly we've even gotten to this point. it's such an accomplishment. it astonishes me just thinking about it. but also gives me amazing hope. because if such a horrible, bad thing could be fixed and mended with our love again-- we can make it through anything.
that's why i always smile when i'm thinking of him.
wouldn't you?
ouch. jaw really hurts. i chewed an entire pack of watermelon extra gum last night as to keep my teeth from grinding each other in a horrible, disgusting way that i absolutely hate. (when i was younger, my sister used to grind her teeth in her sleep. when i slept in the same bed next to her, the sound would wake me up from my sleep. so it got to the point where i had to kick her to get her to stop. haha. revenge! but yes. the sound gives me goosebumps, nightmares, and tingles in places that shouldn't.) i also managed to keep hydrated, smoke cigarettes, and take care of myself. (what i really mean is nick taking care of me via telephone. haha. ♥)
but i think i'm finally crashing. i'm starting to get a little sleepy. we shall see what will come of this.
|
|
| its almost half past four |
[30 Nov 2007|10:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ecstatic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the matches |
] |
it's such a reality.
love has never been sweeter.
and i truly have never longed for anything more than i do this.
i always have love songs playing in my head.
holidays are coming. :]
dad got into a wreck. it was really difficult at first.
having him back in the house. it just.
i dont know.
this family/divorce thing is tricky. haha.
to say in the least.
nick is coming to rescue me.
and then i'll rescue him right back.
i'm "e"cstatic. :D
|
|
| pop |
[05 Nov 2007|01:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
cage ft darryl palumbo : shoot frank |
] |
so i told my mom today.
she said okay.
i'm out of here as soon as i can get shit together.
car registration.
learn how to drive a stick.
money for gas.
i'm getting excited.
today's going to be an exhausting day.
rocky's getting put down. (for real this time.)
work at 2p.
then i get out at 4:00p for an hour for family counseling.
then come back and work until 9p.
it's going to seem like forever.
god.
i'm working the floor on my own.
scared! ah.
everyone says i'm ready though.
so. maybe i am.
i get to keep my tips today. :DD!
woo.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
